Happiness is a warm... glass of hot chocolate.

Finals are OVER!!!!..... and I made it through alive!

It wasn't as bad as I had expected, just a rough couple days.

Christmas is fast approaching... and I have nothing to do between now and January 11 besides work, rest, and enjoy time with my friends and family!

Last weekend we celebrated B.Js (the mister) Christmas present by going to the Kansas City Chiefs vs. Denver Broncos NFL game in Kansas City, MO. He had never been to an NFL game so I thought it was a great gift idea. We were joined by his mom and step-dad who are huge Bronco fans as well. We got into KC about 10pm Saturday night and checked into our beautiful comfy hotel (we stayed at the Holiday Inn express across the highway from Arrowhead Stadium). The hotel was adorned with towering Christmas trees and window treatments. We were welcomed by a cozy lobby with comfortable furniture and a warm fire. After we settled into our room, we went down to the bar and had some drinks with fellow visiting Bronco fans, where we also (almost) witnessed a fight between an avid female Nebraska fan and an avid male Texan fan... luckily there was not fight.

We woke up Sunday morning and had a big (yet slightly disappointing) breakfast and Tawnya and I got our faces painted with Bronco heads... then while the boys made an emergency trip to Walmart for batteries and ponchos to keep us dry from the possible rain and snow; Tawnya and I finished packing and putting on our game gear. We got our car packed and met up in the lobby to wait for the shuttle that took us to Arrowhead Stadium where the game commenced! ... As we knew they would, the Broncos stomped the Chiefs and we made it through the game without freezing to death!! My toes were a little numb but i made it through none the less. We left KC about 5 after stopping for a warm dinner and made it back into Little Rock about 11pm. It was a great trip and plans are being made for more games next season!! I'm hoping one of those games will be a Viking game!! (Fingers Crossed)

Here's to hoping everyone has a great Christmas and New Years! My mom and I will be traveling to Minnesota December 30th through January 6th, my brothers girlfriend bought tickets for us as a Christmas present to my brother and we're keeping it a surprise!! It will be the first time in about 8 years that I have seen the winters snow of MN and I am overly excited!! It will be very cold but it will be BEAUTIFUL!!! (pictures will definitely be posted later).

So Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!!

* Thats right!! Broncos won 44-13!

* The only interception the Chiefs made...

* Champ Bailey!! Number 24!!

* KC Chiefs cheerleaders!

* Go Broncos!!!

* Arrowhead Stadium... we were 15 rows from the field!

* Me and the Mister....

I'll have a blue Christmas..

* Christmas 2009 has officially kicked off in my apartment!!

B.J. and Hayden came over and we decked our halls...

* Here is my tree decked with blue/silver/purple Christmas balls, white lights, white bows, and candy canes!

* Here is my penguin advent calendar.

* Here is my early Christmas present from B.J. and my Christmas candles and cinnamon scented pine cones!!

* Here is my Snowman candy/cookie jar and my half drank hot chocolate!!Yumm.

** Also, notice the cute snowman in his sleigh at the top of my tree?? That was the misters idea and it turned out great!

I'm...

... heartbroken.

-breathless

-scared

-shocked

-hurt

-betrayed

-disrespected

-confused

-empty

-devastated

... to name a few.

I don't know how we got here, or where we're going.

You ended a 9 month relationship in an unfair 15 minutes.

You say you may just need time.

I understand.

I want to be what I know I can be... but I need you to be what I need.

I need you more than you probably know... but so does he.

He needs you more than I do... he needs what is best.

He needs love, stability, and positive influences.

He needs a chance, an opportunity to be something in this world.

He needs peace.

I want forever with the both of you.

I don't know what you want.

I deserve more respect than what you showed me last night.

I'm giving you space because you need it.

I'm giving you respect because you deserve it.

You are an amazing person and you deserve to feel that way.

You deserve someone who will put you first.

You deserve: love, honesty, compassion, encouragement, happiness, peace, respect, a stable influence for him, a sense of home, faithfulness, maturity, contentment, a future... and those things add up to more than how i am feeling.. more than what i want or need.

So i am giving you time... to do whats best for him... even if that means me not being with you.

... because I love you that much.

I need to learn....

.... to let the small things go and realize you do truly love me and you're not going to hurt me.

Why is that so difficult?

Why, exactly?

Why is it that when things happen just a bit out of plan... I seem to revert back to questioning decisions I've made.

It's not as though it's a big deal, really.

Why do I insist on having things my way?

Why must I be so selfish?

Things that I know I don't want seem to taunt me...

You tell me you "worry" about me... please don't waste your time, it's almost insulting.

Do you worry about me because now you're a "Christian" and so that makes you better?

Does it mean you lack the need to be worried about yourself?

You spew accusations from your mouth... when you have done the same things yourself...

I've seen it personally. Whats wrong with a little honesty, huh?

"Temporal deadzone where clocks are barely breathing.
yet no one cares to notice for all the yelling, all night clamor to hold it together.
I want to play--don't wait--forms in the hideaway
I want to get on with getting on with things
I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen, and love someone
And I can't do any of that here, can I?

First train home, I've got to get on it.


So what? You've had one too many.
So what? I'm not that much fun to be with.
So what? You've come silly hatter.
So what? I didn't want to come here, anyway."

- First Train Home/Imogen Heap

New mountains.

Oh the familiar sight of boxes, clutter, disorganization, and bare walls.

I'm moving.... again.

I'm moving to a one bedroom apartment within my complex... which brings up feelings of both liberation and stress. I have never lived alone before and while I know this will be a great stepping stone in my life, its a little stressful to be financially responsible for all of the bills.

I'm having faith in God that He will provide for me as He always has.

Maybe this was His plan all along?

I am ready for this.

Thesaurus-Rex

Well the first week of school has come and gone... and I made it through. (obviously)

I can tell this semester is going to be a long one, I don't feel that any particular class is going to be extremely difficult, but all of them seem time consuming... I need to learn better time management skills, ones that don't involve: Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, texting, watching TV, and listening to music. I'm not sure it's possible... so maybe i should just monopolize on becoming a really good multi-tasker.

Mom and I have decided to fly to MN for New Years, my dad is afraid the 15 hour drive is going to be too painful for her back and neck. (She has 5 bulging discs and is going through physical therapy right now and possibly surgery later on.) Ive spent the week looking for plane tickets and trying to get some dates stapled down. My brother and his girlfriend have bought their fist home and I'm looking forward to seeing all the work they have been doing on it!

My mister made it home safely from visiting family up north, unfortunately he came home to a wrecked truck thanks to his wonderful roommate. I hate that the nice guys always get taken advantage of, but I'm sure he will reap his rewards one day. His birthday is coming up October 1st and I'm hoping to set up a photo shoot for his little guy who will be turning 2 in the Spring, they've never had professional photos taken and I know they will regret that once he is older.

Ive learned within the past few months of my life that age is no determining factor in the process of growing up. I'm beyond disgusted and fed up with being the responsible one among a group of peers 10 years my senior, so I have decided to opt out. I don't have the patience or the time to deal with people who refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions... I don't understand why I am the one who gets the 3am phone calls to go pick someone up or to clean up someones drunken mess... just because I actually have my "stuff" together and live responsibly. I don't expect anyone to fix my mistakes and I don't anticipate sympathy when the poor decisions I have made leave me disconcerted. I am no ones babysitter or mother, and I'm not playing the role of one any longer.

I am enjoying my Math for Teachers class; much to my surprise I might add, I'm getting very eager to take more education courses and begin to prepare for having my own classroom one day. I'm nervous about how I am going to work out the semantics of the rigorous coursework my 'blocks' are going to entail as well as find time to work (while taking 15-18 hours of classes) and find time for my Field Experience and eventually Internships. I have faith God will continue to provide, as He has always done...

Well speaking of class, I suppose I should get some sleep... Ive been getting things together for the roomies birthday party this weekend and on top of studying, working, and going to class I am worn out!

I hope everyone has a great week!

Bringing down 'The House'

Ahh the weekend has come and gone so swiftly... I have made it through two days of classes and I'm starring down the barrel of 5 days of class and 5 days of work.. my next day off is 2 weeks away... *Sighs*

Welcome back Kotter.

On the other hand.. Ive had a good restful weekend... L.D (the roomie) and I went and saw 'Post Grad' today (which was super cute) and guiltfully went shopping afterwards.. which ended in a mild panic attack on L.Ds end due to seeing her ex (Which was one of the 'big' ones... ya know, the kind that leaves a knife in your stomach when they leave... even more so when they happen to be married and a future father.. neither of which involve you, the ex.) after 2 years.

Soooo after that I joined up with some old Arkansas History buddies at a place called 'The House' and ate some good 'herb' fries that were delicious!!

My mister left tonight for a 9 hour drive to go see his family... he hasn't been up there for over a year so I'm glad he is getting to see his family but this week is gonna be a long and quite lonely one...

Well, I have my first full day of classes tomorrow... from 9am-3pm... hopefully it wont be too excruciating!!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

* The feet of wonderful peeps....

Here's looking at you Friday::::

Well, my first day of classes has subsided.. I wouldn't really call it my 'first day' being that I only had one class..

I Woke up to rain pounding on my newly dressed window (adorned in a 25% off cloth 'shower' curtain I bought in Heber this week). This would usually be a welcomed occurrence, but since my classes start at 9 and it takes a good 40 minutes to make a 10 mile trek to school in the gosh darn forsaken Little Rock traffic... I was up at 7:30... which is two hours earlier than my summer awakening hour... So in my early morning catatonic stupor I decided it would be a good idea to wear flip flops today, seeing how it was still warm and raining and I didn't want to get my tennis shoes wet and I have yet gone to buy some much needed rain boots... this seemed to be a bright idea... that is until i had 3 near death experiences walking across a jagged brick campus. On top of my dangerous trek I somehow, after 3 years at this University, managed to go to the wrong building... Byah.

'Math for Middle School' ... I really had different expectations then what, according to the syllabus, we really will be doing in this class... I hate hate hate math it is my kryptonite, so you can imagine my demise when my professor handed us a math equation... UGhhhhh.

I'm pretty sure this class is going to kick my summer scorned hinny.

... I'll just bend over now. Jeez.

Well, I am off to bed... to anticipate another day of classes tomorrow.. hopefully sans rain and flip flops, near death experiences, and going to the wrong building...

... here's hoping!

Seeya later summer-gator...

Goodbye summer, you will be missed!

Classes start tomorrow... I'm semi-ready.

I should probably be getting out notebooks and pens and all that mess but instead I'm rolled up on my couch with a Coke and watching E! TV... my night will doubtfully be ending soon.

Got a call late this afternoon from a professor telling me that my ASL II class had been canceled... just great, it only added to a catastrophe of a day in itself. Soooo I'm reworking my schedule to make sure i still take 5 classes and can get the rest of my remedial courses done in the next 2 semesters... Byah.

I'm taking:

Survey of Economics

Writing for the workplace

World Civilization II

Math for Middle Schools

and (possibly... fate will tell tomorrow) Editing for usage and style (in replacement of ASL II)...

.. I'll also be working my typical school schedule T/TH/Saturday afternoons and Friday nights... possibly taking on some contract work for a mortgage company...

I'm determined not to have a life, I swear...

Things in my 'everyday' life are beyond me... I give up... things never can end peacefully it seems.

Here's to the new semester.. the blank slate..

Elliott Smith/ Between the Bars

drink up, baby, stay up all night
the things you could do, you won't but you might
the potential you'll be, that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make

drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot

the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Fall Down/ Jennifer Knapp

Judge Me Not Ye Saints
For My History May Be Tainted
But I'm Sober Enough To Know Blood When I See It
I've Borne My Share Of Stones
Most Of Them Easily Thrown
But Who's To Deny
Your Water-Shed Side
Leading Me Home?

What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
Past Regrets And Long Laments, They Find Me Somehow
O, What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
What Have I To Do But Fall Down?

To Spy From Far Away
May Seem That I'm One To Betray
But O, How I Try
The Spirit To Guide
The Promise You Made


Hold Me Up
Never Let Me Go
Love Me When I Am Broken
And Speak To Me

Minnesota Visit

* New haircut

* Allison, My brother and I

* The girls I've missed the most: Megan and Amanda

* Beautiful Lake Superior in Duluth

* Duluth, Minnesota

* My brother and I

Mall of America!

* Me and Megan

* My second home: Minnesota (Minneapolis)

Comes and Goes (in waves) / Greg Laswell

This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves, i....

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight

This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
Love is to be made

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves,
I am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I am only led to wonder why
Why I try

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves,
I am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I am only led to wonder why
Why I try

You're in: there....

I'm tired of talking about it, stressing about it.... dreaming about it.

You're in:

- my sleep.

- my scrapbooks.

- my picture frames that had kept you safely packed away until last week.

- my phone; texting me at the most inopportune times.

- my 'pictures' files.

- my inbox... dozens of you.

- my memories....

- my past.

- my future?

... try as I might, you wont let me kill these memories of you.. or of us.

or is it me? Do i not let myself forget about you or us? Maybe I don't want to...

I don't even know what to do with them {these memories} ....

... wouldn't it be scary if we always got what we want?

Summertime...

Aww summer is well under way. 

My mom is coming to visit on Friday... she has some meetings this weekend in Jacksonville and so she will be bunking up at my half packed apartment. I'm not sure what the itinerary is for the weekend but i'm sure it will be a good visit. 

Monday (after work) my mister and I are meeting his family up in Mountain View for 2 days, we rented a cabin outside of town and are planning on visiting some caves and just escaping for a few days.... I'm very excited to get out of the city for a couple days!! 

My birthday is Thursday... its creeping up quickly!! (is that an oxymoron?) 

Saturday we are having a Bday dinner at a local restaurant.... it will be great to have all of my friends in the same room!! ... and of course Birthday cake! Who doesn't love that!!!!??? 

L.D and I got to go see our future apartment yesterday... it looks nice but is quite a bit smaller than what I am used to! It will be beautiful and feel like home once we get all of our furniture and decorations in it. I am definitely ready to be  done with the move!! I suppose Lindsey and I should have rented a 2 bedroom from the beginning... we have had some interesting experiences with our past roommates... guess they have made for some good stories though! Ha! 

I will make a good effort to get pictures up of the next weeks events.... plus i am hoping to get a camera for my bday so i won't have any excuse!! 

Toothful Tuesdays....

* Its Tuesday, my one day off through the week... it's usually filled with banks and laundry and errands.... which reminds me, I need to go buy my mom a Birthday card and get it in the mail today.... So today not being different than any other Tuesday.. it started out with a dentist appointment this morning.... my gums are a little sore but I'm alive so that's a good sign.... went by my old work place and visited some old friends and then indulged in Burger King... sans Coke, which only seemed right considering I had just left the dentist chair where my tooth was drilled on for 45 minutes because of my love affair with said Coke... so instead I drank water. Yum? 

*Healing*

-My new tattoo is finally starting to itch which is a welcomed annoyance because it means the tattoo is one step closer to being completely healed... I'm very happy with the outcome and am also very ready for it to be healed so i can get back to tanning. Ahhh that would be a nice treat... suppose I should probably give it a few more days though. Argh.

*Indulgence*

-Finally took some of my hard earned money and bought myself a present for making a 4.0 GPA this semester in school... It was expensive and pointless, but i suppose that makes it even better... sometimes I just have to spend money... I feel like I work so much and if all i ever did with that money was pay bills and save it... i think i would go crazy. 

*Anxious*

- Went to Barnes & Noble this morning, figured it was about time to start studying for the exam that inadvertently holds my future within its non-existent hands... I need to make the appointment... suppose the money spent on above indulgence would have been better spent on the Praxis exam fees.... 'ehhhhh forget about it'

*Refreshment*

- Ive drank my weight in this stuff the past two days... and have been popping tums like breath mints... Yuck. 

*Moving*

- T-28 days until we have to be out of our apartment... that i have lived in for 2 years... bittersweet might have been a more appropriate caption... so until June 30th.... 

... this is what my apartment looks like, not too inviting. 

Well.... in honor of my day off (as mentioned earlier) I believe I will finish watching the sappy chick flick I just put in and possibly take a nap... 

* Happy Trails. 

New arrival!!

* Newest addition to my tattoo family.... (and probably the last)

- Date of Birth: May 27th 2009 at 8:00pm

Arkansas Travs Game

So my love and I accompanied another couple friend of ours to the Arkansas Travelers game last month, it was my first baseball game.... and I'm not sure what was really going... mainly because I spent most of the game hunting high and low at Dickey-Stephens Park for Shelly... the horse/donkey (?) mascot. I was determined to get a photo.... 

After about 30 minutes of searching she emerged from a storage closet next to the frozen lemon aid stand and I ran up to her, and was greeted by a warm hug and a horse/donkey (I'm still not really sure) kiss... my mission was completed. 

A mission like that deserves a picture memento. (See above)

-I just might become a baseball fan after all.

Caught in a smile.

... You leave in 2 days for 10 weeks, I wonder if you would have gone if we had still been together.

-always looking out for yourself, you were. 

... For the life of me it's so hard to be happy sometimes. 

- some days it just sneaks up on me, I wont be paying attention and the happiness creeps onto my face and I catch myself in the middle of a smile. 

... I honestly am happy, I breath and sleep much easier these days. 

- he genuinely cares, there isn't a phony sense of affection hiding in the corner of the room. 

... Your name can be brought up without a slight pain to my heart. 

- even your text lately have been received uninhabited by regrets and void of the pain that usually haunts them. 

... There will be days that I wont think of you and I hold  hope that those days will turn into weeks and gradually months. I will move on... am moving on.

-Have moved on. 

It started with the perfect kiss then

We could feel the poison set in

"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so

I love you enough to let you go

 

I want you to know

It doesn't matter where we take this road

Someone's gotta go

And I want you to know

You couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on

So I'm already gone

(Kelly Clarkson/Already Gone)

To whom it may concern, most likely meaning you.

It's a newsflash, a silhouette, a past regret.

::: by no means do I owe it to you :::

.... Letting it go, letting it fall... this may be the most freeing feeling of all. 

I'm giving myself the option to fly, the freedom to take it as far as I want... and you're not getting a say in it.

 I'm pulling my own card out of the game. 

'Maybe we said it all when we said goodbye' 

Ashes and Wine/ A Fine Frenzy

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning circus on a wheel
I'm I'll with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
If that is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
Reduced ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

The great sense of passing through.

If there is anything I have realized in the short amount of years I have spent on this Earth, it is that I dont really know much... of anything. 

I have no clue why things happen the way they do or why they happen within the time it does. 

... but its a great feeling knowing that in reality, it doesnt matter. I dont have to know why anything is the way it is... I dont have to know where Im going to be in the future or who will be there with me.

Its in Gods hands.... He will direct me where to go, and decide who's going to be there for the ride. 

I have returned to the northern skies,
Where the summer had not touched
The clouds that pass above.
Oh, and I have returned to the somber grace
Of the days too early to come and too early to stay.
And I have left a million stars,
And an ocean so lightly, so clearly blue.
And I have left the warmth of the sun
And a million adventures not yet begun.

The great sense of passing through,

The great sense of passing through,
The great sense of passing through.

Oh, for once there was beauty here for me
Under these white, northern skies.
I felt the green was blacker
And the blue was darker still.
My roots are lying deeper than I ever think they will again.
Heartache and poverty under these northern skies.

The great sense of passing through,
The great sense of passing through,
The great sense of passing through

-Paolo Nutini 

Nothing compares to your grace and glory O Lord.

... It amazes me how God works in our lives... even when were not looking. 

 

There is the saying that when we least expect it, we fall in love and find the one we will spend our life with.... Well, while I wasn't looking I have fallen back in love with God.... 

I have always kept a relationship with Him, but over the past few years I have done an amazing job at destroying it from where it once was. 

I have done and become something I said I never would...

I don't think I'm a bad person or ever have been in the eyes of most people who roam my life... but I think as humans we should have expectations for ourselves just as we do for people who enter our life... and for the past few years i have come very short of meeting those expectations of myself. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people tell me, 'Well I'm not a christian, but I'm a good person... and I believe in God' ... but isn't that like saying, ' I have a car and I take good care of it, and even though I know it needs gas to run... I'm not going to put any in it, and hope i get where i need to go?.'  

Our relationship with God, just like any other relationship... requires work! I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who only came to see me once a week and only talked to me one or two times a week (if that!), I would question their devotion to me... I would question their willingness to do what it takes to make our relationship work... and I in NO way want God to question that of me. 

God has poured blessings on me beyond what I could ever tell you... everything i have has only been given to be by His blessings. There is no way that I could explain to you, looking back... how i have afforded to always live in a nice home or have nice clothing, to ALWAYS have what I need and most everything I  want... to be given the chance at an education that will afford me a comfortable living for myself as well as my future family, to have the amazing friends in my life that I do.. ones who have been my family when my actual family could not be or was not there for me.... all of these things have only  been given to me by the pure grace of God. 

I could bleed my heart out with thanks to him for days and not come close in giving Him the thanks he deserve... and yet I have continuously lived a lifestyle that took me away from Him... a lifestyle that did not show my thankfulness to Him. I have lived a life depending on myself for things and not laying my burdens at His feet... I have ran the opposite way in the paths He has show me... I have worked on every relationship in my life besides the one that matters most... the relationship with my Savior. 

Despite my past and the many times I have fallen short of what He has expected; he continually blesses me... he continually answers my prayers and shelters me... 

I want nothing more in my life from this day forward than to spend every waking moment thanking God for never turning His back on me or forsaking me as I have done to Him. I can do nothing but spend all of my days working on my relationship with Him... 

It is an amazing feeling to fall back in love with the one who will never leave me, the one who loves me unconditionally, the one who is there for me every waking moment... 

I am eternally grateful. 

Jesus, I surrender
I draw nearer, I fall down
Master, be my Savior
Be my shelter, be my God

Throw me a Rope/ KT Tunstall

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

I should know better than to touch the fire twice...

... I still haven't taken your pictures down, I'm not that strong yet. 

I will forever be grateful for your love. 

I will forever be thankful for your security.

I will forever miss the sense of family you gave to  me. 

With all my might I have tried to be mad, Ive tried to fill the sadness with anger... and i have failed miserably. 

There are days that I still pick up my phone to call you, every time i have news... you're still the first person i want to tell. I miss the heaviness of my heart in happiness; not in tears.  I have no resentment at this point despite the fact that everyone says i should. 

I haven't decided when the 'correct' time for me to move on is... and I haven't decided how I'm going to take it when you do. Its going to hurt.... a lot. I wish with all my might i could be bitter, apathetic, or resentful... what worries me is that i haven't even cried much, i keep waiting for it to come... and there is a fear it wont stop. 

I hate that i will forever compare people to you [us]. What scares me the most is the fear that the memories and hurt will never go away, that i will always refer back to you... and that a love that i felt for you can never be reciprocated with anyone else. 

I hate that i couldn't save it... that this wasn't something i could fix. 

I hate that this was the best decision. I hate the questions, the pictures, the words, the music, and the memories of everything that went wrong.  

I hate that were better people apart. 

Im healing slowly and slightly awkward. Its not the nights that get me.. it seems to be the mornings, the beginnings. Im working on breathing, loving, trusting, and living. 

Everything heals with time... it just may not be the same as when it started. 

Will you stay?
Stay ‘till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you’re busy, I know I’m just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Irvine/Kelly Clarkson

Opportunity/Pete Murray

And so it goes another lonely day
Your savin time but your miles away
Your fly was drownin in some bitter tea
For seeing lost opportunity

Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kid yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see
Soon you'll see

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but your here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

New Beginnings

What do you do when you have no choice but to move forward?
When you are blindsided by news that changes your life completely.. in the matter of a 30 min conversation?
Everything that you have been working towards, everything you have been planning for... just goes out the window.

Its like the air gets knocked out of you, and for a brief second you're not sure you're really alive.

All i want to do is curl up under the covers and somehow manage to reverse time, even if it were just a day.. to maybe change something that would differ the results of the phone call.

At that moment my life was completely turned upside down. Everything i have worked for and hoped for, for the past three years is completely gone.

The world changes somehow.

I'm not sure what I would do if i didn't have wonderful friends.
They make breathing easier these days.

I carry your heart/ EE Cummings

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it
(Anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate
(For you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world
(For beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you, whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

- EE Cummings

If i were a betting woman,

i would bet that nothing in this world is as honest as silence.