I'm...

... heartbroken.

-breathless

-scared

-shocked

-hurt

-betrayed

-disrespected

-confused

-empty

-devastated

... to name a few.

I don't know how we got here, or where we're going.

You ended a 9 month relationship in an unfair 15 minutes.

You say you may just need time.

I understand.

I want to be what I know I can be... but I need you to be what I need.

I need you more than you probably know... but so does he.

He needs you more than I do... he needs what is best.

He needs love, stability, and positive influences.

He needs a chance, an opportunity to be something in this world.

He needs peace.

I want forever with the both of you.

I don't know what you want.

I deserve more respect than what you showed me last night.

I'm giving you space because you need it.

I'm giving you respect because you deserve it.

You are an amazing person and you deserve to feel that way.

You deserve someone who will put you first.

You deserve: love, honesty, compassion, encouragement, happiness, peace, respect, a stable influence for him, a sense of home, faithfulness, maturity, contentment, a future... and those things add up to more than how i am feeling.. more than what i want or need.

So i am giving you time... to do whats best for him... even if that means me not being with you.

... because I love you that much.

I need to learn....

.... to let the small things go and realize you do truly love me and you're not going to hurt me.

Why is that so difficult?

Why, exactly?

Why is it that when things happen just a bit out of plan... I seem to revert back to questioning decisions I've made.

It's not as though it's a big deal, really.

Why do I insist on having things my way?

Why must I be so selfish?

Things that I know I don't want seem to taunt me...

You tell me you "worry" about me... please don't waste your time, it's almost insulting.

Do you worry about me because now you're a "Christian" and so that makes you better?

Does it mean you lack the need to be worried about yourself?

You spew accusations from your mouth... when you have done the same things yourself...

I've seen it personally. Whats wrong with a little honesty, huh?

"Temporal deadzone where clocks are barely breathing.
yet no one cares to notice for all the yelling, all night clamor to hold it together.
I want to play--don't wait--forms in the hideaway
I want to get on with getting on with things
I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen, and love someone
And I can't do any of that here, can I?

First train home, I've got to get on it.


So what? You've had one too many.
So what? I'm not that much fun to be with.
So what? You've come silly hatter.
So what? I didn't want to come here, anyway."

- First Train Home/Imogen Heap

New mountains.

Oh the familiar sight of boxes, clutter, disorganization, and bare walls.

I'm moving.... again.

I'm moving to a one bedroom apartment within my complex... which brings up feelings of both liberation and stress. I have never lived alone before and while I know this will be a great stepping stone in my life, its a little stressful to be financially responsible for all of the bills.

I'm having faith in God that He will provide for me as He always has.

Maybe this was His plan all along?

I am ready for this.

Thesaurus-Rex

Well the first week of school has come and gone... and I made it through. (obviously)

I can tell this semester is going to be a long one, I don't feel that any particular class is going to be extremely difficult, but all of them seem time consuming... I need to learn better time management skills, ones that don't involve: Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, texting, watching TV, and listening to music. I'm not sure it's possible... so maybe i should just monopolize on becoming a really good multi-tasker.

Mom and I have decided to fly to MN for New Years, my dad is afraid the 15 hour drive is going to be too painful for her back and neck. (She has 5 bulging discs and is going through physical therapy right now and possibly surgery later on.) Ive spent the week looking for plane tickets and trying to get some dates stapled down. My brother and his girlfriend have bought their fist home and I'm looking forward to seeing all the work they have been doing on it!

My mister made it home safely from visiting family up north, unfortunately he came home to a wrecked truck thanks to his wonderful roommate. I hate that the nice guys always get taken advantage of, but I'm sure he will reap his rewards one day. His birthday is coming up October 1st and I'm hoping to set up a photo shoot for his little guy who will be turning 2 in the Spring, they've never had professional photos taken and I know they will regret that once he is older.

Ive learned within the past few months of my life that age is no determining factor in the process of growing up. I'm beyond disgusted and fed up with being the responsible one among a group of peers 10 years my senior, so I have decided to opt out. I don't have the patience or the time to deal with people who refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions... I don't understand why I am the one who gets the 3am phone calls to go pick someone up or to clean up someones drunken mess... just because I actually have my "stuff" together and live responsibly. I don't expect anyone to fix my mistakes and I don't anticipate sympathy when the poor decisions I have made leave me disconcerted. I am no ones babysitter or mother, and I'm not playing the role of one any longer.

I am enjoying my Math for Teachers class; much to my surprise I might add, I'm getting very eager to take more education courses and begin to prepare for having my own classroom one day. I'm nervous about how I am going to work out the semantics of the rigorous coursework my 'blocks' are going to entail as well as find time to work (while taking 15-18 hours of classes) and find time for my Field Experience and eventually Internships. I have faith God will continue to provide, as He has always done...

Well speaking of class, I suppose I should get some sleep... Ive been getting things together for the roomies birthday party this weekend and on top of studying, working, and going to class I am worn out!

I hope everyone has a great week!

Bringing down 'The House'

Ahh the weekend has come and gone so swiftly... I have made it through two days of classes and I'm starring down the barrel of 5 days of class and 5 days of work.. my next day off is 2 weeks away... *Sighs*

Welcome back Kotter.

On the other hand.. Ive had a good restful weekend... L.D (the roomie) and I went and saw 'Post Grad' today (which was super cute) and guiltfully went shopping afterwards.. which ended in a mild panic attack on L.Ds end due to seeing her ex (Which was one of the 'big' ones... ya know, the kind that leaves a knife in your stomach when they leave... even more so when they happen to be married and a future father.. neither of which involve you, the ex.) after 2 years.

Soooo after that I joined up with some old Arkansas History buddies at a place called 'The House' and ate some good 'herb' fries that were delicious!!

My mister left tonight for a 9 hour drive to go see his family... he hasn't been up there for over a year so I'm glad he is getting to see his family but this week is gonna be a long and quite lonely one...

Well, I have my first full day of classes tomorrow... from 9am-3pm... hopefully it wont be too excruciating!!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

* The feet of wonderful peeps....

Here's looking at you Friday::::

Well, my first day of classes has subsided.. I wouldn't really call it my 'first day' being that I only had one class..

I Woke up to rain pounding on my newly dressed window (adorned in a 25% off cloth 'shower' curtain I bought in Heber this week). This would usually be a welcomed occurrence, but since my classes start at 9 and it takes a good 40 minutes to make a 10 mile trek to school in the gosh darn forsaken Little Rock traffic... I was up at 7:30... which is two hours earlier than my summer awakening hour... So in my early morning catatonic stupor I decided it would be a good idea to wear flip flops today, seeing how it was still warm and raining and I didn't want to get my tennis shoes wet and I have yet gone to buy some much needed rain boots... this seemed to be a bright idea... that is until i had 3 near death experiences walking across a jagged brick campus. On top of my dangerous trek I somehow, after 3 years at this University, managed to go to the wrong building... Byah.

'Math for Middle School' ... I really had different expectations then what, according to the syllabus, we really will be doing in this class... I hate hate hate math it is my kryptonite, so you can imagine my demise when my professor handed us a math equation... UGhhhhh.

I'm pretty sure this class is going to kick my summer scorned hinny.

... I'll just bend over now. Jeez.

Well, I am off to bed... to anticipate another day of classes tomorrow.. hopefully sans rain and flip flops, near death experiences, and going to the wrong building...

... here's hoping!