Caught in a smile.

... You leave in 2 days for 10 weeks, I wonder if you would have gone if we had still been together.

-always looking out for yourself, you were. 

... For the life of me it's so hard to be happy sometimes. 

- some days it just sneaks up on me, I wont be paying attention and the happiness creeps onto my face and I catch myself in the middle of a smile. 

... I honestly am happy, I breath and sleep much easier these days. 

- he genuinely cares, there isn't a phony sense of affection hiding in the corner of the room. 

... Your name can be brought up without a slight pain to my heart. 

- even your text lately have been received uninhabited by regrets and void of the pain that usually haunts them. 

... There will be days that I wont think of you and I hold  hope that those days will turn into weeks and gradually months. I will move on... am moving on.

-Have moved on. 

It started with the perfect kiss then

We could feel the poison set in

"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so

I love you enough to let you go

 

I want you to know

It doesn't matter where we take this road

Someone's gotta go

And I want you to know

You couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on

So I'm already gone

(Kelly Clarkson/Already Gone)

To whom it may concern, most likely meaning you.

It's a newsflash, a silhouette, a past regret.

::: by no means do I owe it to you :::

.... Letting it go, letting it fall... this may be the most freeing feeling of all. 

I'm giving myself the option to fly, the freedom to take it as far as I want... and you're not getting a say in it.

 I'm pulling my own card out of the game. 

'Maybe we said it all when we said goodbye' 

Ashes and Wine/ A Fine Frenzy

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning circus on a wheel
I'm I'll with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
If that is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
Reduced ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

The great sense of passing through.

If there is anything I have realized in the short amount of years I have spent on this Earth, it is that I dont really know much... of anything. 

I have no clue why things happen the way they do or why they happen within the time it does. 

... but its a great feeling knowing that in reality, it doesnt matter. I dont have to know why anything is the way it is... I dont have to know where Im going to be in the future or who will be there with me.

Its in Gods hands.... He will direct me where to go, and decide who's going to be there for the ride. 

I have returned to the northern skies,
Where the summer had not touched
The clouds that pass above.
Oh, and I have returned to the somber grace
Of the days too early to come and too early to stay.
And I have left a million stars,
And an ocean so lightly, so clearly blue.
And I have left the warmth of the sun
And a million adventures not yet begun.

The great sense of passing through,

The great sense of passing through,
The great sense of passing through.

Oh, for once there was beauty here for me
Under these white, northern skies.
I felt the green was blacker
And the blue was darker still.
My roots are lying deeper than I ever think they will again.
Heartache and poverty under these northern skies.

The great sense of passing through,
The great sense of passing through,
The great sense of passing through

-Paolo Nutini 

Nothing compares to your grace and glory O Lord.

... It amazes me how God works in our lives... even when were not looking. 

 

There is the saying that when we least expect it, we fall in love and find the one we will spend our life with.... Well, while I wasn't looking I have fallen back in love with God.... 

I have always kept a relationship with Him, but over the past few years I have done an amazing job at destroying it from where it once was. 

I have done and become something I said I never would...

I don't think I'm a bad person or ever have been in the eyes of most people who roam my life... but I think as humans we should have expectations for ourselves just as we do for people who enter our life... and for the past few years i have come very short of meeting those expectations of myself. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people tell me, 'Well I'm not a christian, but I'm a good person... and I believe in God' ... but isn't that like saying, ' I have a car and I take good care of it, and even though I know it needs gas to run... I'm not going to put any in it, and hope i get where i need to go?.'  

Our relationship with God, just like any other relationship... requires work! I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who only came to see me once a week and only talked to me one or two times a week (if that!), I would question their devotion to me... I would question their willingness to do what it takes to make our relationship work... and I in NO way want God to question that of me. 

God has poured blessings on me beyond what I could ever tell you... everything i have has only been given to be by His blessings. There is no way that I could explain to you, looking back... how i have afforded to always live in a nice home or have nice clothing, to ALWAYS have what I need and most everything I  want... to be given the chance at an education that will afford me a comfortable living for myself as well as my future family, to have the amazing friends in my life that I do.. ones who have been my family when my actual family could not be or was not there for me.... all of these things have only  been given to me by the pure grace of God. 

I could bleed my heart out with thanks to him for days and not come close in giving Him the thanks he deserve... and yet I have continuously lived a lifestyle that took me away from Him... a lifestyle that did not show my thankfulness to Him. I have lived a life depending on myself for things and not laying my burdens at His feet... I have ran the opposite way in the paths He has show me... I have worked on every relationship in my life besides the one that matters most... the relationship with my Savior. 

Despite my past and the many times I have fallen short of what He has expected; he continually blesses me... he continually answers my prayers and shelters me... 

I want nothing more in my life from this day forward than to spend every waking moment thanking God for never turning His back on me or forsaking me as I have done to Him. I can do nothing but spend all of my days working on my relationship with Him... 

It is an amazing feeling to fall back in love with the one who will never leave me, the one who loves me unconditionally, the one who is there for me every waking moment... 

I am eternally grateful. 

Jesus, I surrender
I draw nearer, I fall down
Master, be my Savior
Be my shelter, be my God

Throw me a Rope/ KT Tunstall

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

I should know better than to touch the fire twice...

... I still haven't taken your pictures down, I'm not that strong yet. 

I will forever be grateful for your love. 

I will forever be thankful for your security.

I will forever miss the sense of family you gave to  me. 

With all my might I have tried to be mad, Ive tried to fill the sadness with anger... and i have failed miserably. 

There are days that I still pick up my phone to call you, every time i have news... you're still the first person i want to tell. I miss the heaviness of my heart in happiness; not in tears.  I have no resentment at this point despite the fact that everyone says i should. 

I haven't decided when the 'correct' time for me to move on is... and I haven't decided how I'm going to take it when you do. Its going to hurt.... a lot. I wish with all my might i could be bitter, apathetic, or resentful... what worries me is that i haven't even cried much, i keep waiting for it to come... and there is a fear it wont stop. 

I hate that i will forever compare people to you [us]. What scares me the most is the fear that the memories and hurt will never go away, that i will always refer back to you... and that a love that i felt for you can never be reciprocated with anyone else. 

I hate that i couldn't save it... that this wasn't something i could fix. 

I hate that this was the best decision. I hate the questions, the pictures, the words, the music, and the memories of everything that went wrong.  

I hate that were better people apart. 

Im healing slowly and slightly awkward. Its not the nights that get me.. it seems to be the mornings, the beginnings. Im working on breathing, loving, trusting, and living. 

Everything heals with time... it just may not be the same as when it started. 

Will you stay?
Stay ‘till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you’re busy, I know I’m just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Irvine/Kelly Clarkson