Waiting...

I feel like i'm waiting for something... though i'm not sure what i'm waiting for.

maybe im waiting for something to spark out of my fingertips; magical words that would make everything OK and logical... maybe i'm waiting for a tiny voice to whisper into my ear the path i should take to carve out my future, but lets be honest, I would take all the credit.

I'm reading books, listening to great music, spending time with awesome friends, enjoying summer, doing well in classes. I have a comfortable and safe home, I have clothing on my back and food in my cabinets. Im having some of the best nights in my life and yet, i'm still waiting for... more? less? something else?

I.Have.No.Clue

Maybe I need to start meditating... I would say; sell all of my materialistic chains and become a traveling gypsy... but thats not really logical.

Maybe i'm being selfish, needy, dramatic, complicated.
I have no clue about that either.

Sigh*

Well I suppose the great thing about waiting is.... that I have plenty of time to do it.

Snowplosion 2011!!

Attention: Arkansas has snow!!!

Lots of snow!!!!

As of 12:30 this afternoon we had 5 inches!

This is a rare treat for us here in central Arkansas...

Snow for us means:

- campus/schools close (sometimes before it even starts snowing)

- work closes

- everyone & their grandmother goes to Walmart and stocks up on milk,eggs, and bread

- compiling a stash of movies

-making sure you have a surplus of clean PJs available!

Sometimes it's just nice to go outside and listen to the silence of the snow... and as annoying as it may be sometimes, it's nice to be forced by such a compelling act of nature to slow down, relax, rest, and enjoy some time with friends and family.

Classes have already been canceled for tomorrow; so I plan on staying up late tonight and starting season 2 of How I Met Your Mother, sleeping in tomorrow morning, and making cinnamon buns for breakfast. That's as far as I've gotten on the plans for snow day #2... and I'm OK with that.


"Aint' no day like a snow day!"

Meet Rosey!

Name: Rosey
Age: 4
Favorite food: Indoor cat formula (Purina), I also enjoy the occasional Fancy Feast salmon meal and Pounce moist Caribbean catch cat treats but I'm watching my figure so I try to not indulge too much....

- My favorite subject to read about is Geography.. I enjoy learning about all the places that exist outside my cute little house that I share with my mommy.

I REALLY enjoy napping... especially on soft blankets mom leaves out on the couch for me.. sometimes you just gotta stretch out and catch some ZZzzzzs!!!

My favorite blanket belongs to my mommy, it was a birthday gift from one of her friends but mom usually shares it with me... she knows its my favorite =-)

Sometimes mom will take naps with me, but she can be a cover hog... but i still love her.

I really like it when mom is on the computer, sometimes i can trick her into letting me curl up and rest my head in her hand...

Here's me and mom playing on the bed.. she likes to snap pictures when I'm not looking... she's tricky like that..

If mommy doesn't give me enough attention sometimes I have to demand it... but I don't think she minds too much ;-)

At night time I like to cuddle up with mom in bed... its always nice and warm and she keeps extra blankets at the end of the bed for me.. I love her a lot... and I'm pretty sure she loves me =-)

So this really is...

... goodbye.

It seems people, like seasons, seem to rotate in and out of my life constantly.
With the holidays gone and life returning to normal, I'm left with a feeling of uncertainty that I've become familiar with. I've always had a general idea of what my purpose in life is, I've just never known whether I would be doing those things alone or with someone I love.
... I think I've realized it doesn't really matter.

Explaining to someone that despite how much you love them, you love yourself more... and in loving yourself you've realized whats best is to no longer be with that person, is heartbreaking. Dealing with the selfish feeling you're left with after that conversation is excruciating. I'm refusing to play the pity card and feel the deep grieving I so badly want to feel because I'm afraid of what it would do to my logical thinking. Never in my life have I so desperately NOT wanted to feel so sure about something.

"And I'll miss you like you're dead
And find a way to grieve you
Cause I need to try and start again
And your ghost will have to leave, Like a child would his mother
Or a lover Who has to say goodbye"

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." - Henry Ford

... I'm a horrible blogger. I'll admit that now. I dont do a great job at keeping up, time just doesnt allow it, i'm afraid. I'm the same way with planners and diaries/journals... I buy them with the best of intentions but time gets the best of me.

... I do however want to share some beautiful Arkansas Fall pictures. There are a lot of things about living in the 'Bible' belt South that can be frustrating at times, but the beautiful landscaping of this state is definitely not one of them.

So this is Goodbye// William Fitzsimmons

The thing never now, were you
You're gone and I won't see you anymore
You left my love on the run
And said that you were leaving

And you won't come home again

And I'll miss you like you're dead
But I never got to grieve you
Cause I saw you In the arms of someone else
So your phantom follows me Like a child would his mother
Or a lover who never said goodbye
It's only saying goodbye

And I cry myself to sleep
And you thought I was happy
I was lonely
Had nowhere to go
And I heard that you moved on
Found a brand new family
And changed your married name
And everything has changed

And I'll miss you like you're dead
And find a way to grieve you
Cause I need to try and start again
And your ghost will have to leave, Like a child would his mother
Or a lover Who has to say goodbye

It's always say goodbye

It's a joyous thing, really...

... I have successfully worked a shift without ANY lower back pain and without the help of any pain meds!!! No sharp pains, no nausea because of my back hurting so much, no need to sit down to make it through the day... NOTHING!! What a glorious feeling!! I just want to kiss and hug my chiropractor to death!!

We went over my X-rays yesterday and I was told that my spine looks great! No signs of arthritis and everything looked aligned properly, he said my spine has a perfect curve and the only problems he saw was in one of my lover vertebra, it was slightly tilted and he doesn't believe there is any reason it cant be corrected soon. What a blessing!! I can't even remember the last day i've gone without my back hurting while participating in daily activities!

I'm instructed to sit on ice 2-3 times a day to help the inflammation in the right side of my lower back and to do stretches 2-3 times a day. I have another appointment Thursday and I cant wait to tell him the good news! He's a miracle worker! LOL!

On another happy note, my mister and I are headed to Branson next week!! I've been bugging him for WEEKS to give me some dates so we can go on a trip together before school starts. This will be the first time in the 16 months that we have been dating that we have done something ALONE. Any time we take a trip we always have family with us or Hayden. In fact, this will be the first time that we have ever spent an entire day without one of us working or going to school or having Hayden. I cant wait!!! As much as I love Hayden and our families and am grateful for a good job and the ability to receive an education... I CANT WAIT to have my mister all to myself. It is long overdue and desperately needed!!

Fall classes start in apprx one month and I am SOOOOOOO ready!! I am so excited to get back into the classroom and start on my final 2 years. I'll actually be taking classes that will benefit me in my career and I'll also be in the classroom every Friday observing! And honestly, I'm a bit excited about the fact that i'll only be working weekends! Due to my sporadic and hectic class schedule the next two years I'm only able to work Friday nights through Sunday mornings, thankfully God has provided (as He always does) enough extra money for me to be able to afford to do that... I've always worked 4-6 days a week + being in classes full time... it will be a nice relief and unless I start to get lazy or bored, I plan on sticking to the 3 day work schedule all semester.

I have realized over the past few years of working 30 hours a week and going to school full time that it keeps me on track, it helps keep me motivated and I tend to do better in school (keeping a 3.7 GPA or above). I'm hoping the lax schedule this year wont hinder any of that motivation...

Well here's to the ending of summer rapidly approaching and to a new season of life!!

Summertime and the livings easy...

Ohhh the joys of summer!! Sleeping in, watching movies into ungodly hours of the night, tanning, the lake, pool time, water parks, free time for reading, more time for friends and family, and best of all??? -- NO SCHOOL, NO HOMEWORK, and NO STUDYING!! w00t, w00t!!

I'm sad to say there is only one month left of these glorious lazy days... I will miss getting to spend so much time at my new home with my mister and lil' stink pot. I am however, excited about getting into my last two years of school and my first block of education classes. It's both liberating and terrifying to think that I only have 2 years of school left until I will be pushed into the 'real' world and forced to interact with 'adults'.... blah. Maybe i'll just stay in school forever. Hmmmmm.

Unfortunately I havent taken any awesome summer trips or gone to any cool countries these past two months... I went to Heber for the fourth of July with the mister and his mom and stink pot. We met up with my parents and a couple they are friends with. My parents rented out a 13 person cabin on the little red river with a pool literally in the front yard. It was a blast! Stink pot didn't get out of the pool for more then 20 minutes the WHOLE day! He's such a water baby!!!








My mister and me!!


The bunkhouse we stayed in, it was so comfy!!

April Showers... bring May movers!

Ya know, its not for the lack of something to say that I dont update this blog. It's quite to opposite really... I often have too much to say and don't know how to narrow it down or organize it in a way that would be worth you reading... if 'you' even really exists.

The Spring semester is winding down quickly and i'm welcoming it with open arms! This is my last semester of remedial courses and i just have 2 years left!! I'm so ready to graduate and have my own classroom!!

In other exciting news, the mister and I are moving in May!!! We found an adorable 2 bedroom house in Roland for us and the little munchkin... (who just turned 2 by the way!!) It's both exciting and a bit unnerving to be making such a large leap, in one sense its comforting to feel as though i have another person fighting on my side who lays his head next to me every night. I feel like for so long now i've been fighting the fight on my own... dealing with the stresses of work, school, family, friendships, bills, and money on my own... and its a comforting feeling knowing someone is there to share those stresses with me & someone who is there to help relieve some of those stresses. On another hand its a bit scary to be making this leap... even though I love him as much as I do, it's a big leap that we're making and i'm sure this road will be bumpy at times but we have faith in our love and hopefully the common sense to know when we should keep our mouths shut. =-)

I'll make sure to put up some pics of our cute home when we get settled in!

Much love,
xoxoxo

Time to update this popsicle stand..

Well hello there 2010... It's nice to meet you. I hope we have a lot of fun together this year!

My trip to Minnesota for New Years was great, but there's no place like home... I must admit. It was wonderful to spend some quality time with my brother and his girl friend Allison... it was also comforting to spend time with friends from High School... which seems like such a long time ago... even though it wasn't.

Spring 2010 semester has commenced.. surprisingly well. I'm taking Concepts of Geometry (an education class), Cultural Anthropology, Teaching People Other Cultures, and an Integrated Science course (also an education class). My science class is already causing me to curse it silently... it seems to be making its way into my 'dread' list already; a list that I pride myself on keeping short. It's a Saturday morning class from 8:30am to 12:30pm and is followed by working 3-9pm which makes for one long day! I've never been a fan of Science, though I do find Earth Science and Biology extremely interesting. However, once you throw math into the mix, count me out please. I request much prayer for patience and understanding for this class!! lol

Life outside of work, school, and my mister is pretty much non-existent... I don't have much time for anything else. I find myself using my free time for crazy things like sleeping, eating, and doing laundry. I hate that I don't have more time for friends and family but I keep reminding myself this is something I HAVE to do and that one day it will pay off. Yes... pay off indeed... pay off by working long hours with screaming/hormonal preteens, dealing with over zealous administrators, and taking home not much more money than i make now as a part time waitress at a burger joint... I honestly cant wait. =-)

I dont believe in making new years resolutions but I will list some things i WONT do this year:
* I wont diet or worry about my weight in any form.
* I wont worry about others perceptions of me..... as much.
* I wont dwell on a relationship that should have ended 2 years sooner than it did.
* I wont spend more time interacting with the digital world than the real one.
* I wont spend more time watching TV and/or Facebooking than I will studying/doing homework.
* I wont limit my reading to only required text.. I wont feel bad indulging in mindless, pointless novels and murder mysteries.
* I wont let anyone make me feel belittled or unimportant based on things that i'm not.


Here is to a bright future year that I hope is full of happiness, health, success, and peace.

Happiness is a warm... glass of hot chocolate.

Finals are OVER!!!!..... and I made it through alive!

It wasn't as bad as I had expected, just a rough couple days.

Christmas is fast approaching... and I have nothing to do between now and January 11 besides work, rest, and enjoy time with my friends and family!

Last weekend we celebrated B.Js (the mister) Christmas present by going to the Kansas City Chiefs vs. Denver Broncos NFL game in Kansas City, MO. He had never been to an NFL game so I thought it was a great gift idea. We were joined by his mom and step-dad who are huge Bronco fans as well. We got into KC about 10pm Saturday night and checked into our beautiful comfy hotel (we stayed at the Holiday Inn express across the highway from Arrowhead Stadium). The hotel was adorned with towering Christmas trees and window treatments. We were welcomed by a cozy lobby with comfortable furniture and a warm fire. After we settled into our room, we went down to the bar and had some drinks with fellow visiting Bronco fans, where we also (almost) witnessed a fight between an avid female Nebraska fan and an avid male Texan fan... luckily there was not fight.

We woke up Sunday morning and had a big (yet slightly disappointing) breakfast and Tawnya and I got our faces painted with Bronco heads... then while the boys made an emergency trip to Walmart for batteries and ponchos to keep us dry from the possible rain and snow; Tawnya and I finished packing and putting on our game gear. We got our car packed and met up in the lobby to wait for the shuttle that took us to Arrowhead Stadium where the game commenced! ... As we knew they would, the Broncos stomped the Chiefs and we made it through the game without freezing to death!! My toes were a little numb but i made it through none the less. We left KC about 5 after stopping for a warm dinner and made it back into Little Rock about 11pm. It was a great trip and plans are being made for more games next season!! I'm hoping one of those games will be a Viking game!! (Fingers Crossed)

Here's to hoping everyone has a great Christmas and New Years! My mom and I will be traveling to Minnesota December 30th through January 6th, my brothers girlfriend bought tickets for us as a Christmas present to my brother and we're keeping it a surprise!! It will be the first time in about 8 years that I have seen the winters snow of MN and I am overly excited!! It will be very cold but it will be BEAUTIFUL!!! (pictures will definitely be posted later).

So Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!!

* Thats right!! Broncos won 44-13!

* The only interception the Chiefs made...

* Champ Bailey!! Number 24!!

* KC Chiefs cheerleaders!

* Go Broncos!!!

* Arrowhead Stadium... we were 15 rows from the field!

* Me and the Mister....

I'll have a blue Christmas..

* Christmas 2009 has officially kicked off in my apartment!!

B.J. and Hayden came over and we decked our halls...

* Here is my tree decked with blue/silver/purple Christmas balls, white lights, white bows, and candy canes!

* Here is my penguin advent calendar.

* Here is my early Christmas present from B.J. and my Christmas candles and cinnamon scented pine cones!!

* Here is my Snowman candy/cookie jar and my half drank hot chocolate!!Yumm.

** Also, notice the cute snowman in his sleigh at the top of my tree?? That was the misters idea and it turned out great!

I'm...

... heartbroken.

-breathless

-scared

-shocked

-hurt

-betrayed

-disrespected

-confused

-empty

-devastated

... to name a few.

I don't know how we got here, or where we're going.

You ended a 9 month relationship in an unfair 15 minutes.

You say you may just need time.

I understand.

I want to be what I know I can be... but I need you to be what I need.

I need you more than you probably know... but so does he.

He needs you more than I do... he needs what is best.

He needs love, stability, and positive influences.

He needs a chance, an opportunity to be something in this world.

He needs peace.

I want forever with the both of you.

I don't know what you want.

I deserve more respect than what you showed me last night.

I'm giving you space because you need it.

I'm giving you respect because you deserve it.

You are an amazing person and you deserve to feel that way.

You deserve someone who will put you first.

You deserve: love, honesty, compassion, encouragement, happiness, peace, respect, a stable influence for him, a sense of home, faithfulness, maturity, contentment, a future... and those things add up to more than how i am feeling.. more than what i want or need.

So i am giving you time... to do whats best for him... even if that means me not being with you.

... because I love you that much.

I need to learn....

.... to let the small things go and realize you do truly love me and you're not going to hurt me.

Why is that so difficult?

Why, exactly?

Why is it that when things happen just a bit out of plan... I seem to revert back to questioning decisions I've made.

It's not as though it's a big deal, really.

Why do I insist on having things my way?

Why must I be so selfish?

Things that I know I don't want seem to taunt me...

You tell me you "worry" about me... please don't waste your time, it's almost insulting.

Do you worry about me because now you're a "Christian" and so that makes you better?

Does it mean you lack the need to be worried about yourself?

You spew accusations from your mouth... when you have done the same things yourself...

I've seen it personally. Whats wrong with a little honesty, huh?

"Temporal deadzone where clocks are barely breathing.
yet no one cares to notice for all the yelling, all night clamor to hold it together.
I want to play--don't wait--forms in the hideaway
I want to get on with getting on with things
I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen, and love someone
And I can't do any of that here, can I?

First train home, I've got to get on it.


So what? You've had one too many.
So what? I'm not that much fun to be with.
So what? You've come silly hatter.
So what? I didn't want to come here, anyway."

- First Train Home/Imogen Heap

New mountains.

Oh the familiar sight of boxes, clutter, disorganization, and bare walls.

I'm moving.... again.

I'm moving to a one bedroom apartment within my complex... which brings up feelings of both liberation and stress. I have never lived alone before and while I know this will be a great stepping stone in my life, its a little stressful to be financially responsible for all of the bills.

I'm having faith in God that He will provide for me as He always has.

Maybe this was His plan all along?

I am ready for this.

Thesaurus-Rex

Well the first week of school has come and gone... and I made it through. (obviously)

I can tell this semester is going to be a long one, I don't feel that any particular class is going to be extremely difficult, but all of them seem time consuming... I need to learn better time management skills, ones that don't involve: Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, texting, watching TV, and listening to music. I'm not sure it's possible... so maybe i should just monopolize on becoming a really good multi-tasker.

Mom and I have decided to fly to MN for New Years, my dad is afraid the 15 hour drive is going to be too painful for her back and neck. (She has 5 bulging discs and is going through physical therapy right now and possibly surgery later on.) Ive spent the week looking for plane tickets and trying to get some dates stapled down. My brother and his girlfriend have bought their fist home and I'm looking forward to seeing all the work they have been doing on it!

My mister made it home safely from visiting family up north, unfortunately he came home to a wrecked truck thanks to his wonderful roommate. I hate that the nice guys always get taken advantage of, but I'm sure he will reap his rewards one day. His birthday is coming up October 1st and I'm hoping to set up a photo shoot for his little guy who will be turning 2 in the Spring, they've never had professional photos taken and I know they will regret that once he is older.

Ive learned within the past few months of my life that age is no determining factor in the process of growing up. I'm beyond disgusted and fed up with being the responsible one among a group of peers 10 years my senior, so I have decided to opt out. I don't have the patience or the time to deal with people who refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions... I don't understand why I am the one who gets the 3am phone calls to go pick someone up or to clean up someones drunken mess... just because I actually have my "stuff" together and live responsibly. I don't expect anyone to fix my mistakes and I don't anticipate sympathy when the poor decisions I have made leave me disconcerted. I am no ones babysitter or mother, and I'm not playing the role of one any longer.

I am enjoying my Math for Teachers class; much to my surprise I might add, I'm getting very eager to take more education courses and begin to prepare for having my own classroom one day. I'm nervous about how I am going to work out the semantics of the rigorous coursework my 'blocks' are going to entail as well as find time to work (while taking 15-18 hours of classes) and find time for my Field Experience and eventually Internships. I have faith God will continue to provide, as He has always done...

Well speaking of class, I suppose I should get some sleep... Ive been getting things together for the roomies birthday party this weekend and on top of studying, working, and going to class I am worn out!

I hope everyone has a great week!

Bringing down 'The House'

Ahh the weekend has come and gone so swiftly... I have made it through two days of classes and I'm starring down the barrel of 5 days of class and 5 days of work.. my next day off is 2 weeks away... *Sighs*

Welcome back Kotter.

On the other hand.. Ive had a good restful weekend... L.D (the roomie) and I went and saw 'Post Grad' today (which was super cute) and guiltfully went shopping afterwards.. which ended in a mild panic attack on L.Ds end due to seeing her ex (Which was one of the 'big' ones... ya know, the kind that leaves a knife in your stomach when they leave... even more so when they happen to be married and a future father.. neither of which involve you, the ex.) after 2 years.

Soooo after that I joined up with some old Arkansas History buddies at a place called 'The House' and ate some good 'herb' fries that were delicious!!

My mister left tonight for a 9 hour drive to go see his family... he hasn't been up there for over a year so I'm glad he is getting to see his family but this week is gonna be a long and quite lonely one...

Well, I have my first full day of classes tomorrow... from 9am-3pm... hopefully it wont be too excruciating!!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

* The feet of wonderful peeps....

Here's looking at you Friday::::

Well, my first day of classes has subsided.. I wouldn't really call it my 'first day' being that I only had one class..

I Woke up to rain pounding on my newly dressed window (adorned in a 25% off cloth 'shower' curtain I bought in Heber this week). This would usually be a welcomed occurrence, but since my classes start at 9 and it takes a good 40 minutes to make a 10 mile trek to school in the gosh darn forsaken Little Rock traffic... I was up at 7:30... which is two hours earlier than my summer awakening hour... So in my early morning catatonic stupor I decided it would be a good idea to wear flip flops today, seeing how it was still warm and raining and I didn't want to get my tennis shoes wet and I have yet gone to buy some much needed rain boots... this seemed to be a bright idea... that is until i had 3 near death experiences walking across a jagged brick campus. On top of my dangerous trek I somehow, after 3 years at this University, managed to go to the wrong building... Byah.

'Math for Middle School' ... I really had different expectations then what, according to the syllabus, we really will be doing in this class... I hate hate hate math it is my kryptonite, so you can imagine my demise when my professor handed us a math equation... UGhhhhh.

I'm pretty sure this class is going to kick my summer scorned hinny.

... I'll just bend over now. Jeez.

Well, I am off to bed... to anticipate another day of classes tomorrow.. hopefully sans rain and flip flops, near death experiences, and going to the wrong building...

... here's hoping!

Seeya later summer-gator...

Goodbye summer, you will be missed!

Classes start tomorrow... I'm semi-ready.

I should probably be getting out notebooks and pens and all that mess but instead I'm rolled up on my couch with a Coke and watching E! TV... my night will doubtfully be ending soon.

Got a call late this afternoon from a professor telling me that my ASL II class had been canceled... just great, it only added to a catastrophe of a day in itself. Soooo I'm reworking my schedule to make sure i still take 5 classes and can get the rest of my remedial courses done in the next 2 semesters... Byah.

I'm taking:

Survey of Economics

Writing for the workplace

World Civilization II

Math for Middle Schools

and (possibly... fate will tell tomorrow) Editing for usage and style (in replacement of ASL II)...

.. I'll also be working my typical school schedule T/TH/Saturday afternoons and Friday nights... possibly taking on some contract work for a mortgage company...

I'm determined not to have a life, I swear...

Things in my 'everyday' life are beyond me... I give up... things never can end peacefully it seems.

Here's to the new semester.. the blank slate..